reflections

my whole life i've been looking for myself in the gaze of someone else. i wonder what would happen if i shaved my head or if i walked into the woods and never turned around. 

when i was a little girl, you told me vampires couldn't see their own reflection. everyday, i run my tongue over the sharp points of my teeth, burning to forget the taste of strangers' wrists. 

...

too often do we focus on what we don't have, our faults, our deficiencies. that's a trite observation, but why is the grass always greener? the sky could always be bluer. should I be thinking about my life in a linear or a cyclical way? will choosing one make living easier? am i doing this right? is it okay that i look like this? speak like this?

i wish i could talk to you without my brain short-circuiting. i wish i could show you who i am.

i wish i didn't have the thoughts of an anti-social insecure high school girl with bacne as an almost 25 year old. i wish i was more. 

i wish the internet didn't distract me from my thoughts. i wish i could develop an idea—i have a lot of interesting takes. 

fin, i wish i didn't want to crawl out of my skin and inhabit some amorphous space between us. i wish i didn't want to watch you live your life, but rather be there next to you living mine. 

fill in the blank

are you surpised?

that im still here 

writing 

breathing 

that i didn't kill myself 

when things were hard

that my grip is still strong 

when i saw no light 

but when i couldn't sleep

and i couldn't write

—i'd think of you 

i learned to convert you to 

edges and curves 

losing myself in translation

where i was the savior 

no dots, no ends 

you wouldn't get it

it didn't hurt you 

so i weep 

and rewrite 

— and carry the burden

hold our lies 

you sit back 

and watch with disgust

as our reshapings 

collapse my back 

and shatter my spine

to b

c, i don't know what happened

i may have said something 

shown you too much

but i saw you dance with her 

if i drove up to your apartment  

would you kiss me

would you love me 

would you tell me to leave 

go straight to hell 

what if i asked you to hug me 

to see me 

would you push me 

ignore me

snicker?

or would it be just like i dreamed it

would you pick me up 

clean my wounds 

replace my stolen wings?

you've always been mine to lose 

shortfalls

your whisper was the last thing i heard 

before the tone consumed my world

now i wait for you to come back 

i see you sometimes 

in your wool sweater 

you wave from the window 

the sun always hangs behind 

but you don't come in 

you were never mine

sometimes you ride your skateboard 

and i can't breathe 

you figured it out — i wasn't 

i know you are hers'

you'll meet on the internet 

and be happy

she'll see and hear 

what i missed

at sixes and sevens

you have my heart

you don't know it

so i weep 

and pace the wooden floors 

pick at my scabs until they bleed 

sink my fingers into my bruises

weren't you suppose to know 

wasn't this all suppose to be beautiful 

weren't the small moments supposed to be fuller 

now i will die before i tell the truth 

i can't unwrite my fate

i'll dissolve without the guiding hands of someone who knows better 

it's all so untidy 

command z

i'd cut myself open for you

pull out my insides 

rewire my brain 

unwrite my stories 

i'd break my collarbone 

so your head would rest more comfortably 

i'd sand down my calluses 

so your fingers wouldn't catch 

as you trace my palm lines 

i'd erase my scars 

so you could kiss me 

without being reminded of my cracks

i'd rewrite my birth chart 

to make it match yours 

but that wouldn't be enough, right?

you wouldn't want me if i was faultless

you wouldn't want me in the rain 

you wouldn't want me in the fall 

you wouldn't want me by the beach 

you wouldn't want me if no one else was around 

would you?

sorry

i am sorry for looking at you 

i am sorry for being sad when you wanted to enjoy your day 

i am sorry for saying things that you don't know how to respond to 

i am sorry, i am sorry, i am sorry 

for the mess 

for your time 

for making you repeat yourself 

for thinking i could be yours 

you'll sit in my head 

like tropical heat 

you've crumbled my walls 

thickened my air 

closed my throat 

where did you get this control 

oh wait, i gave it to you 

i gave you me

and now im left

without a body

with a disconnected mind 

to drift 

and let the wind decide 

for c—

can we go back to that bright place?

to the ripe august nights 

where we were 'happy' 

remember when you liked my insecurity?

aw, you thought you could help me 

you thought i was an unturned gem 

can we go back?

to right before i lied to you?

before i set eyes on you?

didn't the future seem golden 

you promised good morning sleepy kisses

and to hold me through consciousness 

but, maybe you didn't

i no longer know reality 

except the one i shaped for you