pere

do you want some ice cream?

vanilla?

perhaps moose tracks?

i look at the man who hurt me 

made me feel like i wasn't enough 

who i hold in my bones 

like a trauma i can't shake 

he has the power

to soften me 

to disintegrate me 

to melt me 

to shape who i love 

who loves me 

he's planted seeds for what i am to become 

i can't leave 

and i can't stay 

where do i go?

what do i do?

i am my father 

i am my father's father 

i hold their stories

and their pieces

in my soft parts

in my hard parts 

and i wonder

how many ways can he break me

before i'm cut loose

and never look back

reflections

my whole life i've been looking for myself in the gaze of someone else. i wonder what would happen if i shaved my head or if i walked into the woods and never turned around. 

when i was a little girl, you told me vampires couldn't see their own reflection. everyday, i run my tongue over the sharp points of my teeth, burning to forget the taste of strangers' wrists. 

...

too often do we focus on what we don't have, our faults, our deficiencies. that's a trite observation, but why is the grass always greener? the sky could always be bluer. should I be thinking about my life in a linear or a cyclical way? will choosing one make living easier? am i doing this right? is it okay that i look like this? speak like this?

i wish i could talk to you without my brain short-circuiting. i wish i could show you who i am.

i wish i didn't have the thoughts of an anti-social insecure high school girl with bacne as an almost 25 year old. i wish i was more. 

i wish the internet didn't distract me from my thoughts. i wish i could develop an idea—i have a lot of interesting takes. 

fin, i wish i didn't want to crawl out of my skin and inhabit some amorphous space between us. i wish i didn't want to watch you live your life, but rather be there next to you living mine. 

fill in the blank

are you surpised?

that im still here 

writing 

breathing 

that i didn't kill myself 

when things were hard

that my grip is still strong 

when i saw no light 

but when i couldn't sleep

and i couldn't write

—i'd think of you 

i learned to convert you to 

edges and curves 

losing myself in translation

where i was the savior 

no dots, no ends 

you wouldn't get it

it didn't hurt you 

so i weep 

and rewrite 

— and carry the burden

hold our lies 

you sit back 

and watch with disgust

as our reshapings 

collapse my back 

and shatter my spine

to b

c, i don't know what happened

i may have said something 

shown you too much

but i saw you dance with her 

if i drove up to your apartment  

would you kiss me

would you love me 

would you tell me to leave 

go straight to hell 

what if i asked you to hug me 

to see me 

would you push me 

ignore me

snicker?

or would it be just like i dreamed it

would you pick me up 

clean my wounds 

replace my stolen wings?

you've always been mine to lose 

shortfalls

your whisper was the last thing i heard 

before the tone consumed my world

now i wait for you to come back 

i see you sometimes 

in your wool sweater 

you wave from the window 

the sun always hangs behind 

but you don't come in 

you were never mine

sometimes you ride your skateboard 

and i can't breathe 

you figured it out — i wasn't 

i know you are hers'

you'll meet on the internet 

and be happy

she'll see and hear 

what i missed

at sixes and sevens

you have my heart

you don't know it

so i weep 

and pace the wooden floors 

pick at my scabs until they bleed 

sink my fingers into my bruises

weren't you suppose to know 

wasn't this all suppose to be beautiful 

weren't the small moments supposed to be fuller 

now i will die before i tell the truth 

i can't unwrite my fate

i'll dissolve without the guiding hands of someone who knows better 

it's all so untidy