holding onto it

i'm back

in the place 

that is both home and other 

that does it all 

quickening my heart 

and giving me the moments 

to finally rest my tired sad eyes 

there are mushrooms and little girls -

pots exploding with vines and greens

cherry tomatoes even though it's December 

dimpled grapes on the counter

so many cheeses 

candles lit. 

and when I facetime you from my sister's childhood bedroom 

you hate it

so i lie and tell you the decorating is all old 

because i can't have that 

and neither can she

i'm losing myself here

my smile muscles are stiff 

and i feel like i'm being watched 

i hate myself 

but i have you all more