i didn't realize 

what i lost 

when i lost it 

christmas parties

and birthday cake  

prime rib

too many sides 

shrimp cocktail

and always 

too much pinot grigio 

but more cookies 

red wine lips 

buttered avoidance 

shaky embarrassment

& pseudo-catch-ups 

and the worst 

the ultimate 

~the toast~ 

a little lady 

who used to make me tuna melts 

and bring me orange juice ginger ales 

when i was feeling sick sad 

she was it 

the one 

i could always sit next to 

who would listen to my time-consuming nonsense

who would give me someone to talk to 

the appearance i was busy 

but in demand 

someone worth talking to 

listening to 

greasy clean-ups 

with sloppy lips 

and half-opened eyes 

somethings to talk about 

it was all awful 

but what's worse

is 

wondering 

why my heart aches

now that it's all gone