i can't tell it

as it is

but you know that 

don't you 

what you did

hurt way more

than the words 

i use 

to tell 

this stupid story

it was never that serious

we were never that important

it was only 1 night

it was a single kiss

a few texts 

then why does it feel like

you tore me apart

put my left arm

through a meat grinder

took my foot and pulled off my toes 

gave it to a dog 

why did you cut my throat up 

into cubes

to freeze 

just to blend them up 

and eat them for breakfast

you left my heart on the lawn

did you miss that? 

it was after you popped my eyes out

and left my guts at the butcher 

because you thought it was all the same 

she never was that much different 

than some old beef 

right

well watch that slab

rise from 

the motherfucking ashes 

you shat out 

watch her haunt you 

till you take your last breaths 

watch her watch you have 

a meaningless fuck 

with that dietician

watch her smirk 

as you come 

she knows she was always going to be better 

when can i rest 

and just be 

who do i have to ask 

to get just that 

i always feel pulled 

to be moving 

growing

doing 

producing 

never am i allowed 

to just sit

and rest  

close my eyes 

beneath the willow 

even when i get 

a short stint 

i mostly think about what

i'm missing 

and where 

i fall short 

and what i should be 

moving towards 

but really 

all i want 

is clear evenings 

bodied silence  

full hearts 

bellies that hurt 

from laughing 

a feeling of freedom

movements 

a routine where i can 

sit in silence 

lay on the floor 

after i've washed the day off 

i've tasted it, i think

an evening of my own 

spacious and ever mine 

now i can listlessly 

twirl my hair 

while i'm on the toilet 

instead of master-mining 

a small little collision 

with your orbit

i don't dream about trips with you 

because i know they'll 

never be as sweet

as in my mind 

they're pungent 

acerbic

full with 

stupid questions 

and zings 

that always sting 

inevitably 

i'm going to get annoyed with you 

because the truth is 

i don't like who you are 

very much 

i don't think 

maybe i'll join him 

cross country 

only if he asks 

because i think i know 

here is better

don't worry 

oh don't fret 

darling 

i'll always hold 

a little soft spot 

a corner of my heart 

that you can call 

your empty evening