i've tasted it, i think

an evening of my own 

spacious and ever mine 

now i can listlessly 

twirl my hair 

while i'm on the toilet 

instead of master-mining 

a small little collision 

with your orbit

i don't dream about trips with you 

because i know they'll 

never be as sweet

as in my mind 

they're pungent 

acerbic

full with 

stupid questions 

and zings 

that always sting 

inevitably 

i'm going to get annoyed with you 

because the truth is 

i don't like who you are 

very much 

i don't think 

maybe i'll join him 

cross country 

only if he asks 

because i think i know 

here is better

don't worry 

oh don't fret 

darling 

i'll always hold 

a little soft spot 

a corner of my heart 

that you can call 

your empty evening 

 i can't feel it anymore 

- my beating heart 

i wear your socks 

and dribble on your seat 

i look

and i feel watched

the more time i temper 

the more i know 

in my bones 

we are not the same

there's an expanse 

there's something 

not normal about 

me 

something that's small 

and scared all the time 

with nothing 

and i've always tried to bridge

cortort myself into forms 

lay myself down 

when you wallflower to survive 

where you pinch yourself in places 

and spaces 

you become that 

that thing 

that you promised 

would only be temporary 

that thing that you told yourself 

you'd abandon once

you got the boy 

stick your fingers into your ribs 

go on

try to find it 

we need it

the proof will set us 

free  

have you noticed it too? 

the softening 

that happens 

when you look at someone 

over so many years

once harsh features 

now gloopy 

so gentle 

a bit whispered 

do you know

your nose turns up 

and spreads out  

when you close teeth smile

do you realize 

you hold your head back 

when i make you laugh

do you sense 

that you don't show your teeth 

when you feel 

something truly 

in its edges and curves  

it's the stifled ecstasy  

daddy heartbreaks hurt most

it's dew drops 

and styrophoam cups 

it's dunkin 

and it's for your health 

it's the scabby shins 

and the open chins 

it's the noticing 

what's always been there 

it's the bloated cheeks 

and the fish filled creeks 

and the smiles 

that have the same style 

the same big look

and the belly out to stood 

we've cry 

and hold the same 

breaths in that space in our neck 

we move and we shake 

the same 

only to groove 

of the same moves 

it's that axis 

the movement of the beat 

all while we take a seat 

so let's watch our feet 

take the same beat 

I'm not inclined 

to sit back and whine 

but here i am 

checking my phone every 5

waiting wondering 

sad 

that i know 

you're not even thinking about me 

yet my heart beats for you

my mind runs around you 

and you wonder 

what more you can give 

all i know is 

ever since i met you 

said hello 

stared at your calves 

i've dreamt 

about the morning 

that you come to me

you walk across the dew 

just to tell me 

i'm it 

the thing 

you don't want to leave 

body and soul 

it won't be it though 

that's the delusion 

but that doesn't make the hoping 

any less 

to die for 

7/6/24

it's been a week since we make out in my living room. 

i knew you came over just for that

since, i've been waiting by my phone

licking my wounds on the third floor of my parents' home. 

a place i've always inhabited.

milennial girlhood at it's finest.

    where i started my eating disorder 

    i hoarded food

    and promised myself i'd never eat again 

it can't all be like this 

just heartbreak and none of the fun

or the jazz

or the sex that made everything whole 

and this worth chasing 

into migraines 

and medical debt  

 

a bit of a drunk post

commemorating my happenings, things i haven't said. Unadmittances. 

1. i love my best friend who is a gay man. I think that love might be love love. But does all love have to be shared? where is the line between friendship and love. can't you lust after your friends? can't you imagine them naked and want to tear at their edges and centers just the same? Does all love have to be territorial? Can't I just imagine that we fuck and when I stare into his eyes I know he's mine regardless of whether or not we do. he's home. i checked his location. I call him mine. i think his heart aches for mine. and i think i'm completely fine with it like that. actually completely and utterly happy perhaps

2. there's a really sweet lesbian couple sitting cady corner to me right now. i feel a little turned on just thinking about them. but i've been outside all day. currently with a mango passion fruit something. i want to want to be them. i imagine loving a woman would be unadultered. forgiving. thoughtful. unsubtle in the best, yet subtle in the most

3. i think i love ann arbor. i think i love my life here. i think i've found parts of myself. and i've learned how to eat and pretend and find peace, yet lean on people in ways i always knew i needed. i've learned to feel aligned with needing and wanting people and never feeling bad about that. I've twiddled my thumbs and learned to cum.