you know that i call you just to remind you i'm here 

i ask you questions i know the answers to

i practice what i'm going to say to you 

i ask for advice when i know better 

and i think about how i can poke at your scars 

you know it though 

everything i want from you is what you wanted from your papa 

and what your papa wanted from his 

to be adored 

i was never your little girl

i know you tried to keep me alive 

i never choked on your 16 squared pbj's 

and you smiled when i took my first steps 

we'll draw circles around each other until our last breath

and we'll dance and eat in the dark 

and gulp the air & chew on our pain

begging for it to be quick 

you taught me how to cower 

and be invisible in a room full of others 

thanks to you that's it 

i have no words, brian's survival kit

when did it become my job to tell you i'm hurting

i immediately noticed when your eyes turned sad

but i'm "happy" you got the job and the boy and the life

really i'm gutted, bleeding out, and unsure if i'll see tomorrow's sun

but you'll never know 

you'll never ask 

maybe you didn't ask to be friends with a deaf girl with an eating disorder and daddy issues

i never envisioned i'd be friends with such a shortsighted self-absorbed selfish hag 

who thinks she's "right" about everything 

but here we both are

once i stopped caring, everything stopped 

it didn't hurt anymore 

but what was once exciting lost it shine 

my demons demand retribution 

what shall i tell them?

you didn't mean it 

that you made a mistake 

maybe it'd be better if i let them consume you 

 

an ode to my honeyed puff

words lose meaning when you beat a dead horse 

pictures reduced to shapes and colors while you wait for a moment to re-precipitate 

time cycles, darts, and retraces her steps when you lose your watch and expect people to be better

my creamed puff is gone 

and so are the days where i wake up to watch her marvel at fresh snow

gone are lazy sticky summer afternoons steeped in mango and tempered love 

no more late afternoon walks down Washington Ave to admire the Halloween decorations 

and no more late mornings where we eat pancakes, smile into the sun and lay in the grass

when i lost everything 

had no one

white-knuckled it 

lily flower, you held my world

only there could i swallow the lump in my throat 

and allow oxygen entrance. 

I'll love you forever. thank you for the love and the snuggles. sorry I picked you up too often and forced you to go places you didn't want to. i didn't respect your agency, but i loved you more than anything. i hope you're running amuck throughout the one thousand acre woods. tigger and pooh and piglet and eeyore will keep you company in the meantime. i'm not sure when we'll be together again, and it's hard for me to believe. but it's more beautiful to know that you eat and sleep and play and love all day. see you soon. 

mama mere

i saw you put the floss

i said i needed in my medicine cabinet

you spoiled me — bought me the expensive tooth picks 

the ones that are bad for the earth 

but good for my smile 

you always told me to take care of my grin 

—you can't buy a new one you always say

i often think about 

walking into the forest 

and never looking back

wanting loneliness

more than i need you 

i know you think

i am because of you 

but would you think that 

if you knew it hurt me more?

would you care?

in my room i always find new clothes 

that you think would flatter me 

—shoes that would 

make your dreams come true 

you always remark 

what a gorgeous day 

when the sun pops out 

even through a layer of cirrocumulus 

i wish you gave that to me 

instead, 

we both sit in silence 

piecing together 

the world without sound 

questing whether are responses 

made sense 

or if our facial movements are apropos

sometimes i resent you 

for your loss 

then i cry 

scratch at my scabs 

and scream out to the tones

who have you and me 

when i ask if i'm pretty 

it's always a resounding yes 

i know you believe it 

but you don't see clearly 

i know you're sad that i'm sad

you wish it didn't hurt

but i notice 

and perhaps you ignore 

i know in the end

none of it will matter 

red or blue 

honeyed or acerbic 

but where do the wounds go 

i hurt you 

and you made me cry 

your tears will always burn my cheeks 

but you left me the expensive floss ~  

a wishful woeful winter day

honeyed butter and flour dipped 

in creamed coffee 

a walk in the snow at midday 

someone to love and hold 

fired reading and an even heartbeat 

a floral scone with tea 

a stretch in the evening 

pureed squash with fried bread 

a bath to share 

some essays and sweet kisses 

that will never be mine 

i'll never be still 

and it's my fault 

but i have to be one step 

ahead of them 

i have to be consumed by what they are 

and what they may not be

i only know devastating 

so i'll leave you with this 

it's okay to let them catch you 

and to be scared 

it's okay to never have loved 

it's not okay to die never having tried 

broken back

will we ever be tented 

at the base of a river 

jutting into white-capped mountains?

will the air ever be completely still?

where sound can't move. 

we will touch 

not speak. 

we will hold

not listen. 

only then, the sun can hit 

my face without me shrinking 

spiders can crawl over 

my toes without me screaming 

and we can both touch my pit 

without cowering behind 

the guiding forces of hands

who surely know better 

i'm sorry i've stopped

i've stopped dreaming 

about a version of you 

that admires me when i sleep

and waits for me to wake up 

i've stopped believing you

exist 

that i'll ever be able to share 

my ugly 

without you walking away 

i've stopped thinking that 

i'll never not be a cowboy 

and that you'll never not 

see through that 

i've stopped trying to love myself 

so that you can love me 

shrinking myself 

to be the hole that you crave

my poems are richer when

you're not here 

i'm happy just watching you part 1

if i was a writer 

i'd write only about you—

your dark eyes 

and unwillingness to be mine 

would fill my pages

and spaces 

i'd have a place 

to wrap myself in your 

whispered delusions 

full glances

and unanswered messages 

but for now—i thank 'god'

that i have a body 

so i can be your observer 

nefario, nefaria, nefarias

can i whisper my future lies 

and let the wind take them?

can i trust that those words 

lose their meaning 

and each other?

maybe we shouldn't feed delusion

we're adults, right?

those whispers can't un-be 

they will always be tied together 

and saturate the air of every room i enter 

so now we must weep 

we lost 

i'll never not have a trick

up my sleeve 

maybe we can be vampires together?

it will be opulently hedonistic 

we can trace our tongues 

along each others' teeth 

and taste blood on the wrists 

of those who good courses through 

how's that sound?

you have my word

how many people are you

were you 

do you plan to be 

a thousand 

or seven

will you show them?

let me in perhaps?

i won't tell

i promise

you have my word 

i'll love you until my 

bones disintegrate 

and reduce to soil fertilizer 

after that 

i can't promise you a set of arms 

or a body that will hold yours

for now and until then 

will you let me smell your head 

and kiss your freckles 

will you indulge me that this 

was yellowed destiny 

i know you think it's pretty 

and all too much 

i'm sorry if i'm a memory now 

i was here 

and i tried 

and i'll always live in these etchings 

so please visit sometimes 

avowals

when will my wounds be claimed?

i'm 8,954 to the day 

it's sad to think 

my scars will be left to a charity 

when i stop breathing 

until then, do i wait?

for justice, for courage?

how shall i exist in this purgatory 

shall i take up new hobbies 

to pass the time 

or would it be better 

to fester 

for now, i'll let my neurons 

pass electricity to each other 

not creating or destroying 

i'll let the pressure build 

i'll sit in the pain 

that i know was meant for me 

until i forget myself

then i'll lie down 

and weep 

at the unclaimed 

and unnamed 

of what could've been

and what was 

a poem to 1/17

i was thirsty most of today 

my lips chapped 

and my hands callused 

i no longer recognize myself 

after years of gazing at my reflection 

everyday i wake up 

and i cling to the 

outside of my beating heart 

i weep 

because i'll never fill my lungs

i didn't see the raccoon 

at the bend today 

the one that's been dead 

since August.

i've been underwater for so long that 

i've forgotten that lungs are meant to 

have air in them 

i'm thirsty

but if i inhale, i'll die 

i cannot hold my breath 

and be thirsty forever 

so i must choose 

maybe tomorrow i'll have a solution

maybe tomorrow i'll understand 

why it's all been too much 

and never enough 

why i am always hurting 

and why i can't shake you 

i want to believe that 

tomorrow's sun will burn brighter 

that there's still a chance 

but i only know lies 

including this one—

each day, i am new 

the day before the shortest of 2020

i tried to plant my feet on the ground today.

they are now an inch closer—

still not touching

i dream about the day where they 

touch down and the Earth reverberates.

that day i won't care if Dana 

says I was a shut-in at college.

or if i ate too much of my 

father's birthday cake.

i won't try to rush the hard stuff.

but for now, i'll pick at my splinters

and burn my tongue with hot soup 

rushing for it all to be over 

waiting for my hands to wrinkle

waiting for my brain to forget my name

and unlearn my pains.

hurrying to unravel and explode into 

stardust so that my atoms

can return to the inorganic material

they were destined to be. 

okay

Fine.

Is it okay that I'm like this?

That my throat always burns 

Is it okay that I talk like this?

Look like this?

I know space where my body 

exists could be better used 

by air or another creature 

But is it okay that I'm here?

I promise that no one will remember 

I won't let anyone see me 

12/14/20

All of the sudden 

After months of darkness

I saw a cruel light flicker 

It dimmed and blinked back on 

I started to cry 

Thinking about when it 

Would go black again 

And I would be swallowed 

oblivion

Bees don't know they are here 

they don't stare at their reflections 

panic-stricken that they are breathing

or

wondering what will happen if they forget 

i wish i didn't know that the future 

becomes the present

or that my demons would plot 

my life's trajectory 

bee's don't have to run 

from the past 

or scream out  

wondering why something 

that doesn't exist 

can't disappear 

they can be or not be 

i wish they were i and i were them 

to jordan

every morning—the sun nudges me 

and i rub my eyes to greet her 

i stand up and see you 

rolling around on the grass

belonging to people who have become persons 

with other people meaning and possessions

i still look out my childhood bedroom 

at 24

and hope that the new jersey horizon 

swallows me 

because i'll only ever cling to the 

fantasyland and dreamscape 

that is the garden state 

shortfalls

every day, my body contends

for place and space.

hollowed eye sockets 

and empty ear canals 

would you rather be 

blind 

or 

deaf

cut off from 

objects 

or the 

world 

hk said she'd rather be blind 

because you can still be apart of things

at what point does it all become too much

when you can't exist in relation to others?

for six years, i've lived 

crouched naked 

and alone 

on an ice float 

cast out to never re-emerge

and every day 

while i try to make sense 

of why this happened

to only come up short 

i'm faced with puzzled looks 

and questioning glances

i give you your laugh

and your value 

i haven't made it up 

i promise 

and i've tried not to weaponize it

it hurts me 

just as much as it hurts you 

in fact more 

so i'm sorry 

i'll weep for the person 

we both thought i'd be 

i'll pretend

and i'll try harder 

so you don't have to worry 

i'll never be free 

and i won't try to convince you every day 

but please

i beg 

can you indulge me once?

i promise i won't exaggerate

or force you to agree 

you can close your ears 

and maybe the space between us 

will melt 

we can't exist in relation 

so maybe we can find a body 

and call it home? 

 

sam's

darling

are you still dreaming

and not sleeping?

i forget what your face looks like 

and your hands 

don't worry—

your dark eyes are seared 

in my mind 

my knees are bruised and bleeding 

and dirt lives under my nails 

i'm tired of being tragic

but it's all i know 

and the only poem 

i can write is one where 

you have it all 

and i'm left with nothing

but the pieces to hold onto 

promise me that you'll tuck our fragments 

into my coffin 

sew them into my blazer 

but please darling 

look out for my whispers—

i'll always be sorry 

i'll always be sad

i'll always be sam's 

preserving tweaks

hello, hi, hey there. 

it's 2021. 

shifts are happening.

i might not be different 

but I've been changing. 

my skin is feeling like it's mine 

somedays i don't even feel like shedding it

I've been busy unwriting my own story 

untangling myself from society's snare 

some days are easier 

and some are harder

but no day is neither 

i'm still here

writing the same poem 

and tracing my fading scars 

hoping that someday 

i'll be the same different person