i can't tell it

as it is

but you know that 

don't you 

what you did

hurt way more

than the words 

i use 

to tell 

this stupid story

it was never that serious

we were never that important

it was only 1 night

it was a single kiss

a few texts 

then why does it feel like

you tore me apart

put my left arm

through a meat grinder

took my foot and pulled off my toes 

gave it to a dog 

why did you cut my throat up 

into cubes

to freeze 

just to blend them up 

and eat them for breakfast

you left my heart on the lawn

did you miss that? 

it was after you popped my eyes out

and left my guts at the butcher 

because you thought it was all the same 

she never was that much different 

than some old beef 

right

well watch that slab

rise from 

the motherfucking ashes 

you shat out 

watch her haunt you 

till you take your last breaths 

watch her watch you have 

a meaningless fuck 

with that dietician

watch her smirk 

as you come 

she knows she was always going to be better 

when can i rest 

and just be 

who do i have to ask 

to get just that 

i always feel pulled 

to be moving 

growing

doing 

producing 

never am i allowed 

to just sit

and rest  

close my eyes 

beneath the willow 

even when i get 

a short stint 

i mostly think about what

i'm missing 

and where 

i fall short 

and what i should be 

moving towards 

but really 

all i want 

is clear evenings 

bodied silence  

full hearts 

bellies that hurt 

from laughing 

a feeling of freedom

movements 

a routine where i can 

sit in silence 

lay on the floor 

after i've washed the day off 

i've tasted it, i think

an evening of my own 

spacious and ever mine 

now i can listlessly 

twirl my hair 

while i'm on the toilet 

instead of master-mining 

a small little collision 

with your orbit

i don't dream about trips with you 

because i know they'll 

never be as sweet

as in my mind 

they're pungent 

acerbic

full with 

stupid questions 

and zings 

that always sting 

inevitably 

i'm going to get annoyed with you 

because the truth is 

i don't like who you are 

very much 

i don't think 

maybe i'll join him 

cross country 

only if he asks 

because i think i know 

here is better

don't worry 

oh don't fret 

darling 

i'll always hold 

a little soft spot 

a corner of my heart 

that you can call 

your empty evening 

 i can't feel it anymore 

- my beating heart 

i wear your socks 

and dribble on your seat 

i look

and i feel watched

the more time i temper 

the more i know 

in my bones 

we are not the same

there's an expanse 

there's something 

not normal about 

me 

something that's small 

and scared all the time 

with nothing 

and i've always tried to bridge

cortort myself into forms 

lay myself down 

when you wallflower to survive 

where you pinch yourself in places 

and spaces 

you become that 

that thing 

that you promised 

would only be temporary 

that thing that you told yourself 

you'd abandon once

you got the boy 

stick your fingers into your ribs 

go on

try to find it 

we need it

the proof will set us 

free  

have you noticed it too? 

the softening 

that happens 

when you look at someone 

over so many years

once harsh features 

now gloopy 

so gentle 

a bit whispered 

do you know

your nose turns up 

and spreads out  

when you close teeth smile

do you realize 

you hold your head back 

when i make you laugh

do you sense 

that you don't show your teeth 

when you feel 

something truly 

in its edges and curves  

it's the stifled ecstasy  

daddy heartbreaks hurt most

it's dew drops 

and styrophoam cups 

it's dunkin 

and it's for your health 

it's the scabby shins 

and the open chins 

it's the noticing 

what's always been there 

it's the bloated cheeks 

and the fish filled creeks 

and the smiles 

that have the same style 

the same big look

and the belly out to stood 

we've cry 

and hold the same 

breaths in that space in our neck 

we move and we shake 

the same 

only to groove 

of the same moves 

it's that axis 

the movement of the beat 

all while we take a seat 

so let's watch our feet 

take the same beat 

I'm not inclined 

to sit back and whine 

but here i am 

checking my phone every 5

waiting wondering 

sad 

that i know 

you're not even thinking about me 

yet my heart beats for you

my mind runs around you 

and you wonder 

what more you can give 

all i know is 

ever since i met you 

said hello 

stared at your calves 

i've dreamt 

about the morning 

that you come to me

you walk across the dew 

just to tell me 

i'm it 

the thing 

you don't want to leave 

body and soul 

it won't be it though 

that's the delusion 

but that doesn't make the hoping 

any less 

to die for 

7/6/24

it's been a week since we make out in my living room. 

i knew you came over just for that

since, i've been waiting by my phone

licking my wounds on the third floor of my parents' home. 

a place i've always inhabited.

milennial girlhood at it's finest.

    where i started my eating disorder 

    i hoarded food

    and promised myself i'd never eat again 

it can't all be like this 

just heartbreak and none of the fun

or the jazz

or the sex that made everything whole 

and this worth chasing 

into migraines 

and medical debt  

 

a bit of a drunk post

commemorating my happenings, things i haven't said. Unadmittances. 

1. i love my best friend who is a gay man. I think that love might be love love. But does all love have to be shared? where is the line between friendship and love. can't you lust after your friends? can't you imagine them naked and want to tear at their edges and centers just the same? Does all love have to be territorial? Can't I just imagine that we fuck and when I stare into his eyes I know he's mine regardless of whether or not we do. he's home. i checked his location. I call him mine. i think his heart aches for mine. and i think i'm completely fine with it like that. actually completely and utterly happy perhaps

2. there's a really sweet lesbian couple sitting cady corner to me right now. i feel a little turned on just thinking about them. but i've been outside all day. currently with a mango passion fruit something. i want to want to be them. i imagine loving a woman would be unadultered. forgiving. thoughtful. unsubtle in the best, yet subtle in the most

3. i think i love ann arbor. i think i love my life here. i think i've found parts of myself. and i've learned how to eat and pretend and find peace, yet lean on people in ways i always knew i needed. i've learned to feel aligned with needing and wanting people and never feeling bad about that. I've twiddled my thumbs and learned to cum. 

i knew i couldn't stop them 

once they came 

i knew you'd have my breath 

and my depth 

until we forget our names 

and i finally saw it 

what's clear 

that it's all so heartbreaking

that i am indeed

pathetic 

the twists and the turns 

the bends and the burns 

i make and sway 

just to keep you in my orbit 

i think about you most moments of the day 

and i wait for you to write 

i don't think you know 

how much my heart breaks 

when you wait to answer 

i don't think you know 

that my throat knots 

and i convince myself 

that you don't like me

i don't trust you 

not to leave me 

i'm waiting for you

to unravel it all 

it's been a minute 

since i've sat beneath this tree 

i'm sorry 

i've been between the pages 

counting the minutes  

picking my nails 

pacing and laughing 

just pretending 

-- to have a beating heart 

watching and waiting 

for you to walk towards me 

you scratch and you bite  

just to see me bleed 

you ruffle 

just to see me buckle 

when you know 

i've pined 

only in my mind 

you're not ever going to stick your neck out 

for me 

are you 

you aren't ever going to give  

what i don't ask 

an unsolicitied visit 

some food to let me know you want me alive 

you don't listen 

enough 

to pick up 

my hints 

i don't want to want to take that 

 

 he's no longer the person i get excited to tell

stories to 

it's you 

how many years have i waited to hear that 

you've written mine 

on my upper thigh

since july 

only in my mind 

but maybe not

i keep recalling things 

we never did 

but waited for 

 OB in the spring without judgment  

let's cry 

and wait 

eventually new life will come 

i'll watch colin

comfort and rub 

and hold 

i'll feel the colors 

and the goddess of timing 

my ribs get the feeling 

there was a plan 

always was 

i just need to show up

walk slowly 

and watch with tired eyes 

i don't care to read minds 

or rooms 

i'm finally here with glasses

and warm blankets 

Am I really your only friend? 

Then why am I so scared 

I'll be done by next Spring 

You'll wipe your hands clean 

While I bleed 

And light my sheets ablaze 

Walking through the dark Ann Arbor nights 

Wanting to touch his skin 

Flashes of chosen love 

I know I'll be down bad 

And want ignore you 

Only to text you minutes later 

 every hallway i walk 

i mean stalk 

only to feel like a hawk 

we lick our lips 

and cream our hips 

only to eat and take trips 

i love you and you know it 

but not in the way where 

i want the inside  

because it all lives in the same place 

doesn't it 

just that i never 

want to say 

goodbye 

pinching myself 

watching you walk up the stairs 

on a A2 sunny night 

only to part 

just to press restart 

we're both stretched out 

and you know 

it's special

to say it 

to whisper it 

for the other to hear 

it's been a while 

since i put pen to paper 

images of you 

are the only ones 

i'm drawn to recreate  

Some days

I'm too drunk to sweat

And too sweet to fret 

But we always make it a bet 

How many times I'll hit 

The concrete and ask 

What's my name 

It's not normal right

It's pathologic perhaps? 

I trace my scars 

And run circles between your arms

I feel the marbles in my neck 

Just to feel beneath the deck 

 im tired of wanting you 

all of my moments are yours

during the in betweens 

& the big things 

i feel you 

own me

i don't want anyone else 

it's stopped 

wanting others 

i used to pine 

and bleed 

for anyone else 

until july 

it only took one look 

at your calves 

to know 

i'd do anything 

become anything 

just to hold your attention 

i didn't don't even need your gaze 

i fantasize about the things

i've wanted since i was a little girl 

and you're that person in it 

i give you all my moments 

my weekends 

my evenings 

every spare 

and i get antsy 

because i think about the future 

every waking second 

i wonder 

i plan 

i write you in 

because you know 

i'd follow you anywhere 

even if it means 

i don't have all of you 

but always will i 

wonder what your neck 

would taste like 

wonder what your mouth 

would feel like 

i always think about it

you know

while we lay next to each other 

what would happen 

if I breathed you in

if you held me back 

kissed my neck 

give into to what I wanted 

i'm sorry i freaked out 

when you started talking 

about proposing 

i'm scared though 

losing you 

and i'll always long to want you 

you know that right 

i'm not sure 

but it feels like this weird 

writing in the stars 

we have the mundane 

and that's all i ever wanted 

someone

 to go to target with 

 to decide what to eat 

 to fold laundry next 

 to show you shows i've already seen 

i think that's it 

yanno 

i think i found it 

i know we're coming to a close

your beacon hill apt 

and your twink 

are a stones throw away

feathers 

fucking situations 

circumstances

miscommunications

i want to push away 

and i want to want to push 

but we both know i can't

i come crawling back 

every 

goddamn

time 

i guess i was always right 

yanno 

about not being wanted 

a 14 yo SATC watching Sarah  

watching me 

turn 28 

and still not spend a night

next to a someone 

who would watch me 

and want 

now he's gone 

a whisper to the wind

just like a girl

it's not like i wanted 

him 

just on my couch 

a body to perch next to 

i just wonder what 

i said 

that got him 

to do it 

was it my question asking 

my mouth 

the way i said

"you'll find someone" 

was it my belly 

or my burden  

or maybe making

him buy my drink 

confidently 

an act i didn't have down

i'm starting to think 

it was all of it 

wasn't it? 

not just the parts 

my indecisiveness 

my talking off the cuff 

my oh my oh my 

the things 

and the betweens

the middle

and the ends 

it was all there 

but i still picture 

you in my apt 

even now

that we don't talk 

it's only been 4 days 

but it might as well be 4 years 

i know it 

yanno 

that's the thing 

i know it 

i'd do it 

you know 

walk through water 

tread through mud 

give you my most favorite

cry if you're thirsty 

bend and swerve 

only to curb 

we have it 

you know 

the thing people want 

the sweetened lemons 

and the buttered buns 

i die a little 

you know 

when you touch me 

it makes it all better 

and that's it 

you know 

what i've always 

wanted 

i can feel it starting

the cracks

giving way

to the widening expanse

it's so like you

to wait to answer 

—out of

sight 

out of mind 

just like 

it's so me 

to wait 

to long 

to live for the hope of it all 

you've got it 

your person 

your thing 

and i can't stomach it 

i'm called 

when you want to go to target 

or when you 

need a meal 

cooked and poured 

while you get 

to keep going 

nothing 

and no one 

holding you back 

what's it mean

to love and be loved

for people to miss

the way you look off and smile

after you tell a story

to be the kind

of kind that worried if 

everyone liked your food

and had a good time

to be

of the person

who described

any woman

with a good heart 

as a natural beauty

to miss the way you speak

the way you talk

and eyes of eyes 

lovely 

to love 

and 

be 

loved 

 

i miss her

the girl who used to want her hair braided

the person

who feared thoughts 

i miss her

i miss her

i miss her