12/14/20

All of the sudden 

After months of darkness

I saw a cruel light flicker 

It dimmed and blinked back on 

I started to cry 

Thinking about when it 

Would go black again 

And I would be swallowed 

oblivion

Bees don't know they are here 

they don't stare at their reflections 

panic-stricken that they are breathing

or

wondering what will happen if they forget 

i wish i didn't know that the future 

becomes the present

or that my demons would plot 

my life's trajectory 

bee's don't have to run 

from the past 

or scream out  

wondering why something 

that doesn't exist 

can't disappear 

they can be or not be 

i wish they were i and i were them 

to jordan

every morning—the sun nudges me 

and i rub my eyes to greet her 

i stand up and see you 

rolling around on the grass

belonging to people who have become persons 

with other people meaning and possessions

i still look out my childhood bedroom 

at 24

and hope that the new jersey horizon 

swallows me 

because i'll only ever cling to the 

fantasyland and dreamscape 

that is the garden state 

shortfalls

every day, my body contends

for place and space.

hollowed eye sockets 

and empty ear canals 

would you rather be 

blind 

or 

deaf

cut off from 

objects 

or the 

world 

hk said she'd rather be blind 

because you can still be apart of things

at what point does it all become too much

when you can't exist in relation to others?

for six years, i've lived 

crouched naked 

and alone 

on an ice float 

cast out to never re-emerge

and every day 

while i try to make sense 

of why this happened

to only come up short 

i'm faced with puzzled looks 

and questioning glances

i give you your laugh

and your value 

i haven't made it up 

i promise 

and i've tried not to weaponize it

it hurts me 

just as much as it hurts you 

in fact more 

so i'm sorry 

i'll weep for the person 

we both thought i'd be 

i'll pretend

and i'll try harder 

so you don't have to worry 

i'll never be free 

and i won't try to convince you every day 

but please

i beg 

can you indulge me once?

i promise i won't exaggerate

or force you to agree 

you can close your ears 

and maybe the space between us 

will melt 

we can't exist in relation 

so maybe we can find a body 

and call it home? 

 

sam's

darling

are you still dreaming

and not sleeping?

i forget what your face looks like 

and your hands 

don't worry—

your dark eyes are seared 

in my mind 

my knees are bruised and bleeding 

and dirt lives under my nails 

i'm tired of being tragic

but it's all i know 

and the only poem 

i can write is one where 

you have it all 

and i'm left with nothing

but the pieces to hold onto 

promise me that you'll tuck our fragments 

into my coffin 

sew them into my blazer 

but please darling 

look out for my whispers—

i'll always be sorry 

i'll always be sad

i'll always be sam's 

preserving tweaks

hello, hi, hey there. 

it's 2021. 

shifts are happening.

i might not be different 

but I've been changing. 

my skin is feeling like it's mine 

somedays i don't even feel like shedding it

I've been busy unwriting my own story 

untangling myself from society's snare 

some days are easier 

and some are harder

but no day is neither 

i'm still here

writing the same poem 

and tracing my fading scars 

hoping that someday 

i'll be the same different person 

pere

do you want some ice cream?

vanilla?

perhaps moose tracks?

i look at the man who hurt me 

made me feel like i wasn't enough 

who i hold in my bones 

like a trauma i can't shake 

he has the power

to soften me 

to disintegrate me 

to melt me 

to shape who i love 

who loves me 

he's planted seeds for what i am to become 

i can't leave 

and i can't stay 

where do i go?

what do i do?

i am my father 

i am my father's father 

i hold their stories

and their pieces

in my soft parts

in my hard parts 

and i wonder

how many ways can he break me

before i'm cut loose

and never look back