i'm back
in the place
that is both home and other
that does it all
quickening my heart
and giving me the moments
to finally rest my tired sad eyes
there are mushrooms and little girls -
pots exploding with vines and greens
cherry tomatoes even though it's December
dimpled grapes on the counter
so many cheeses
candles lit.
and when I facetime you from my sister's childhood bedroom
you hate it
so i lie and tell you the decorating is all old
because i can't have that
and neither can she
i'm losing myself here
my smile muscles are stiff
and i feel like i'm being watched
i hate myself
but i have you all more
