it's 1:16 am and i'm still awake 

waiting to come up with my latest mistake

i want him to love me 

but winter just isn't my season 

i'll always be waitin for my daddy to sober

running to escape this godforsaken town 

trying to avoid the mirrors and the ghosts

silence to "will I be okay" 

when you know what rests

full moons 

and new years balloons 

all i want is to feel naked in front of a crowd

just to know 

i've put it on the line 

i'll have more feelings 

more nonsense 

to write shit about 

we got it going 

coffee in hand 

but i've never gotten over 

the secrets i've kept 

you told me you loved me 

but only as a friend 

but if i said it  

it'd mean the end

i said i wouldn't do it 

be in the clouds 

say the right things 

just to be on swings 

you never touched me 

but i felt you everywhere

thought i'd give it a few years

and more tears

just to realize my fears 

but i felt you everywhere 

even when i was with him 

boulders to sand

stardust to light 

i always knew it

you're the only one 

i've ever wanted 

all i've ever wanted 

was you 

wherever you go 

that's where i am  

i didn't realize 

what i lost 

when i lost it 

christmas parties

and birthday cake  

prime rib

too many sides 

shrimp cocktail

and always 

too much pinot grigio 

but more cookies 

red wine lips 

buttered avoidance 

shaky embarrassment

& pseudo-catch-ups 

and the worst 

the ultimate 

~the toast~ 

a little lady 

who used to make me tuna melts 

and bring me orange juice ginger ales 

when i was feeling sick sad 

she was it 

the one 

i could always sit next to 

who would listen to my time-consuming nonsense

who would give me someone to talk to 

the appearance i was busy 

but in demand 

someone worth talking to 

listening to 

greasy clean-ups 

with sloppy lips 

and half-opened eyes 

somethings to talk about 

it was all awful 

but what's worse

is 

wondering 

why my heart aches

now that it's all gone 

 love is my little 

scratching my head

wanting to hold my hand 

in the rain 

she's dancing and she's grooving 

but i only know her beauty 

and it shouldn't be that 

way 

love is eating as many 

sugared molasses cookies 

as your body can hold 

love is watching your mother  

bake when she didn't have time before 

removing flecks of eggshells 

while you lay on the floor with f

and envelope the scuffles 

while you do 

the must be done 

imu

how many times is too many 

to remind you 

how much 

ily

when i only pretend 

that your mine  

it was scary 

to show my guts 

to lift up my shirt 

to read off a paper 

a prewritten text 

a version of my story 

that i'm starting to believe 

one that is cold 

sanitized 

unhysterical 

it makes sense 

even when my thoughts 

and my whispers do not

and it doesn't feel 

~spectacular~ 

it doesn't feel 

~risky~

enough 

to have been born from pain 

because 

i'm an adult now 

i guess 

and i'm sad i'm starting to do things 

that are generic 

that i'm becoming 

g 

because all the things i ever wanted 

and the things i fling my body 

after 

are 

all 

designed 

to 

ruin --

and not in the way that insights ~prose~ 

my dreams are shrinking 

and the worlds 

in my worlds 

in my worlds 

are disappearing 

but rather, the other way 

i'm seeing ~logistically~

that i don't have time 

to 

be 

emotional

and i don't miss it 

feeling 

it feels better without

driving ahead 

laser focus 

tight curves & edges 

colors

& sounds 

& stories 

are losing their meaning 

as i'm losing mine 

holding onto it

i'm back

in the place 

that is both home and other 

that does it all 

quickening my heart 

and giving me the moments 

to finally rest my tired sad eyes 

there are mushrooms and little girls -

pots exploding with vines and greens

cherry tomatoes even though it's December 

dimpled grapes on the counter

so many cheeses 

candles lit. 

and when I facetime you from my sister's childhood bedroom 

you hate it

so i lie and tell you the decorating is all old 

because i can't have that 

and neither can she

i'm losing myself here

my smile muscles are stiff 

and i feel like i'm being watched 

i hate myself 

but i have you all more 

how do i know that it's you

 how do i know that it was always going to be you 

do i know it bc you walk through the door 

and i know i can't breathe 

or 

do i know it bc you tilt your head so 

it's not gorgeous that it's like so 

and that i'll always pine 

but never sign 

always to make you mine 

friday - saturday

we did it all 

we sipped hot, spiced cider 

beneath a rainy dark sky 

- we watched our breaths in the air 

and admired a panting Newfoundland

then we knew it was time 

to go home 

and curl around our edges

and search for the nebulous curvatures 

of ourselves and others 

i'm always sad to walk away from you 

and i always get butterflies when i watch you walk toward me  

10.14 dinner partay

you made us 

the stuff of being a kid 

& having dreams

hoping & who wants to be a millionaire 

while we craft and chip and pick

buttered wonderbread 

and kraft singles 

tomato bisque 

with chunks of raw garlic

a greek salad without a place 

castelervero olives

red wine vinegar 

you gave us your sunsets

lip locking lust luck lol 

sometimes i think about what that moment would be like 

would it be a dare

or a confident yes 

will it be while you're drunk 

or when we're choking each other 

will i know you without ever knowing your lips 

even though i've been pining after them all this time

is any of this even worth it if i can't have you

where i have you but i don't

where i have everything else 

the things that ppl say matter most 

how would you feel 

if i told you

i am false 

what i say 

who i am 

it's all talk 

tongue teething 

song seething 

this is where we say goodbye   

can you hold my hand?

jeremy told me he liked me 

can you take my arm? 

jeremy told me about his daughter

can you put your face in my neck?

jeremy told me about his plans 

can you wrap your arms around my waist?

jeremy waved to me, from down there 

can you hold my face? 

jeremy told me i was the best 

i am the best 

i couldn't do it yanno - 

hold your face 

and let go 

what makes me cry 

is you could 

let go 

and forget it all

yet still have it

no ruins 

no rubble 

my hands were shaking 

during the movie 

did you notice?

i know you didn't

and that's what i love most 

how is it 

that i get your time 

and i sit next to you 

and i watch your eyes move 

how 

did

i get so

lucky unlucky

i get to watch you sleep

and i get to feel you against 

my back 

and around me 

when you've had too much wine 

only then do you let me hold you 

we get these sunnied honeyed little whiles 

and i struggle 

because i want it all 

one, i can't have you 

two, i won't stomach you 

it'll been too sweetly saccharine 

for my bitter pickled palate 

and it would be just too good

too perfect

to have it all 

smile 

it may be tomorrow

we're not always sure 

where to cut 

or how to bite 

or what to lick 

yesterday i didn't know 

and tomorrow

it'll be 

same shit

different day

 

 

i'm over it 

existing in a plane between

watchful eyes

gulping at the air 

just to keep reaching for the sea

my ears won't stop ringing

and my sticky thoughts 

won't stop clumping

i dream

and i dream 

and i long to dream 

where we can eat fruit under the sun

and i won't be sorry for my face 

where it'll be okay if i don't hear it all 

where we'll hold hands 

and i won't have to ask

where i feel beautiful 

and i won't wish 

for blackness to take me 

every time i blink 

that'll be it 

that'll be nice 

 

i haven't always been this forgiving 

this turn the other cheeking 

the laugh until we weeping 

the scared until we're seeping

the cry until we're cheating 

i laugh when i'm alone 

always aloud 

i avoid thinking of you -

all my moments alone 

have been yours too 

you hang up the phone 

and your eyes turn me over

i eat and i eat and i eat 

and you know it's never in front of you 

i know i'll never wake up 

in a good mood

or ready to greet the day

i'm always tired

and i'm always breathing

through pursed lips 

maybe it's timing 

that i eat everything in sight

and look to vacuum the bites 

maybe it's fate

that i only know alone 

and yet i wear your cologne 

maybe it's my fucked up bundle 

the knot that whispers 

put your hand into the fire - 

the breath that softly murmurs truth

you don't deserve me 

twists and turns 

carousels always burn 

before they churn 

just to create the yearn 

huh, 

how bout that? 

we can scorpion each other 

how does that sound? 

crushingly sweet annihilation 

hold my hand 

watch me 

then go 

 

someday i'm going to want to wear a starry crown

someday 

    someday 

        someday 

maybe 

    maybe 

        maybe 

one day 

for just one day 

i've been trying to make you want me 

but everything i try just takes you further from me

someday we will set it off 

only 

you think they wrote me off 

bebe don't you get it all 

nothing will 

i talk like i take all the lies 

just so you don't have to make your mind

just cut between 

space and time 

no half-truths just naked minds

i put my hand on the stove 

to just see if i still bleed

i still kind of free

we'll never be the kids we used to be

so push me away 

and forget my face 

screaming into the still 

when there's nowhere else to 

call your place 

your space

that's what your body is

right?

a soundless scape 

a murky drape 

a vessel to shape

belly breathing 

and softly beating 

can you find a home alone?

my nerve 

is copping out 

and you're going 

        too

            too 

                fast

i hold my breath

in my forehead 

just to listen to your stories

and to pretend to do the things 

you think i know

my eye rings can tell you

it all 

that was the pursuit, right? 

the opposite of loneliness?

growing up is  - 

i never thought the soft 

things 

would pierce the deepest 

and here we are -

cotton balls 

lacerate my heartstrings

and sedentary numbness 

takes my chest  

what's the word for feeling alone 

in a crowded room

what's the feeling of sadistic nostalgia 

for high school loneliness 

when you could 

cling to the hope of a 

new chapter 

a tomorrow

where your ppl would be

and you could wrinkle smile 

into the sun  

and not feel the rings around 

1/12/23

we all need some confidence 

he whispers 

golden locks 

and mushroom tops 

shimmer until we pit 

Woven hands 

and a quiet heart

unbind it all 

and crack the earth 

Grey beach walks 

are where we go to lie 

To scream into the lacunas 

that poke and prod 

our murky skies. 

Honeyed moments are always the goal

but too bad it wasn't what we were sold.

~2023~

Waking up in a new year 

is like taking the first lick of an ice cream cone

for some it's pure bliss

for us though it's the beginning to an end

It was hard waking up this morning knowing my thoughts would be curved and circled. That I'd be chasing my tail all day around those who pretend to love me. Those who just need bodies and a hand to hold. It isn't always this way. It can be all too consuming. Confusing. Concubines and condescension. 

Trapped in the shadows aren't we. 

Angsting to get out.

Running back when we do. 

Blues and maroons. 

Psychedelic voices and rooms. 

Existential ecstasy. 

Everyone evades 

Entwining