you know that i call you just to remind you i'm here 

i ask you questions i know the answers to

i practice what i'm going to say to you 

i ask for advice when i know better 

and i think about how i can poke at your scars 

you know it though 

everything i want from you is what you wanted from your papa 

and what your papa wanted from his 

to be adored 

i was never your little girl

i know you tried to keep me alive 

i never choked on your 16 squared pbj's 

and you smiled when i took my first steps 

we'll draw circles around each other until our last breath

and we'll dance and eat in the dark 

and gulp the air & chew on our pain

begging for it to be quick 

you taught me how to cower 

and be invisible in a room full of others 

thanks to you that's it 

i have no words, brian's survival kit

when did it become my job to tell you i'm hurting

i immediately noticed when your eyes turned sad

but i'm "happy" you got the job and the boy and the life

really i'm gutted, bleeding out, and unsure if i'll see tomorrow's sun

but you'll never know 

you'll never ask 

maybe you didn't ask to be friends with a deaf girl with an eating disorder and daddy issues

i never envisioned i'd be friends with such a shortsighted self-absorbed selfish hag 

who thinks she's "right" about everything 

but here we both are

once i stopped caring, everything stopped 

it didn't hurt anymore 

but what was once exciting lost it shine 

my demons demand retribution 

what shall i tell them?

you didn't mean it 

that you made a mistake 

maybe it'd be better if i let them consume you