he's no longer the person i get excited to tell

stories to 

it's you 

how many years have i waited to hear that 

you've written mine 

on my upper thigh

since july 

only in my mind 

but maybe not

i keep recalling things 

we never did 

but waited for 

 OB in the spring without judgment  

let's cry 

and wait 

eventually new life will come 

i'll watch colin

comfort and rub 

and hold 

i'll feel the colors 

and the goddess of timing 

my ribs get the feeling 

there was a plan 

always was 

i just need to show up

walk slowly 

and watch with tired eyes 

i don't care to read minds 

or rooms 

i'm finally here with glasses

and warm blankets 

Am I really your only friend? 

Then why am I so scared 

I'll be done by next Spring 

You'll wipe your hands clean 

While I bleed 

And light my sheets ablaze 

Walking through the dark Ann Arbor nights 

Wanting to touch his skin 

Flashes of chosen love 

I know I'll be down bad 

And want ignore you 

Only to text you minutes later 

 every hallway i walk 

i mean stalk 

only to feel like a hawk 

we lick our lips 

and cream our hips 

only to eat and take trips 

i love you and you know it 

but not in the way where 

i want the inside  

because it all lives in the same place 

doesn't it 

just that i never 

want to say 

goodbye 

pinching myself 

watching you walk up the stairs 

on a A2 sunny night 

only to part 

just to press restart 

we're both stretched out 

and you know 

it's special

to say it 

to whisper it 

for the other to hear 

it's been a while 

since i put pen to paper 

images of you 

are the only ones 

i'm drawn to recreate  

Some days

I'm too drunk to sweat

And too sweet to fret 

But we always make it a bet 

How many times I'll hit 

The concrete and ask 

What's my name 

It's not normal right

It's pathologic perhaps? 

I trace my scars 

And run circles between your arms

I feel the marbles in my neck 

Just to feel beneath the deck 

 im tired of wanting you 

all of my moments are yours

during the in betweens 

& the big things 

i feel you 

own me

i don't want anyone else 

it's stopped 

wanting others 

i used to pine 

and bleed 

for anyone else 

until july 

it only took one look 

at your calves 

to know 

i'd do anything 

become anything 

just to hold your attention 

i didn't don't even need your gaze 

i fantasize about the things

i've wanted since i was a little girl 

and you're that person in it 

i give you all my moments 

my weekends 

my evenings 

every spare 

and i get antsy 

because i think about the future 

every waking second 

i wonder 

i plan 

i write you in 

because you know 

i'd follow you anywhere 

even if it means 

i don't have all of you 

but always will i 

wonder what your neck 

would taste like 

wonder what your mouth 

would feel like 

i always think about it

you know

while we lay next to each other 

what would happen 

if I breathed you in

if you held me back 

kissed my neck 

give into to what I wanted 

i'm sorry i freaked out 

when you started talking 

about proposing 

i'm scared though 

losing you 

and i'll always long to want you 

you know that right 

i'm not sure 

but it feels like this weird 

writing in the stars 

we have the mundane 

and that's all i ever wanted 

someone

 to go to target with 

 to decide what to eat 

 to fold laundry next 

 to show you shows i've already seen 

i think that's it 

yanno 

i think i found it 

i know we're coming to a close

your beacon hill apt 

and your twink 

are a stones throw away

feathers 

fucking situations 

circumstances

miscommunications

i want to push away 

and i want to want to push 

but we both know i can't

i come crawling back 

every 

goddamn

time 

i guess i was always right 

yanno 

about not being wanted 

a 14 yo SATC watching Sarah  

watching me 

turn 28 

and still not spend a night

next to a someone 

who would watch me 

and want 

now he's gone 

a whisper to the wind

just like a girl

it's not like i wanted 

him 

just on my couch 

a body to perch next to 

i just wonder what 

i said 

that got him 

to do it 

was it my question asking 

my mouth 

the way i said

"you'll find someone" 

was it my belly 

or my burden  

or maybe making

him buy my drink 

confidently 

an act i didn't have down

i'm starting to think 

it was all of it 

wasn't it? 

not just the parts 

my indecisiveness 

my talking off the cuff 

my oh my oh my 

the things 

and the betweens

the middle

and the ends 

it was all there 

but i still picture 

you in my apt 

even now

that we don't talk 

it's only been 4 days 

but it might as well be 4 years 

i know it 

yanno 

that's the thing 

i know it 

i'd do it 

you know 

walk through water 

tread through mud 

give you my most favorite

cry if you're thirsty 

bend and swerve 

only to curb 

we have it 

you know 

the thing people want 

the sweetened lemons 

and the buttered buns 

i die a little 

you know 

when you touch me 

it makes it all better 

and that's it 

you know 

what i've always 

wanted 

i can feel it starting

the cracks

giving way

to the widening expanse

it's so like you

to wait to answer 

—out of

sight 

out of mind 

just like 

it's so me 

to wait 

to long 

to live for the hope of it all 

you've got it 

your person 

your thing 

and i can't stomach it 

i'm called 

when you want to go to target 

or when you 

need a meal 

cooked and poured 

while you get 

to keep going 

nothing 

and no one 

holding you back 

what's it mean

to love and be loved

for people to miss

the way you look off and smile

after you tell a story

to be the kind

of kind that worried if 

everyone liked your food

and had a good time

to be

of the person

who described

any woman

with a good heart 

as a natural beauty

to miss the way you speak

the way you talk

and eyes of eyes 

lovely 

to love 

and 

be 

loved 

 

i miss her

the girl who used to want her hair braided

the person

who feared thoughts 

i miss her

i miss her

i miss her