it's 1:16 am and i'm still awake 

waiting to come up with my latest mistake

i want him to love me 

but winter just isn't my season 

i'll always be waitin for my daddy to sober

running to escape this godforsaken town 

trying to avoid the mirrors and the ghosts

silence to "will I be okay" 

when you know what rests

full moons 

and new years balloons 

all i want is to feel naked in front of a crowd

just to know 

i've put it on the line 

i'll have more feelings 

more nonsense 

to write shit about 

we got it going 

coffee in hand 

but i've never gotten over 

the secrets i've kept 

you told me you loved me 

but only as a friend 

but if i said it  

it'd mean the end

i said i wouldn't do it 

be in the clouds 

say the right things 

just to be on swings 

you never touched me 

but i felt you everywhere

thought i'd give it a few years

and more tears

just to realize my fears 

but i felt you everywhere 

even when i was with him 

boulders to sand

stardust to light 

i always knew it

you're the only one 

i've ever wanted 

all i've ever wanted 

was you 

wherever you go 

that's where i am  

i didn't realize 

what i lost 

when i lost it 

christmas parties

and birthday cake  

prime rib

too many sides 

shrimp cocktail

and always 

too much pinot grigio 

but more cookies 

red wine lips 

buttered avoidance 

shaky embarrassment

& pseudo-catch-ups 

and the worst 

the ultimate 

~the toast~ 

a little lady 

who used to make me tuna melts 

and bring me orange juice ginger ales 

when i was feeling sick sad 

she was it 

the one 

i could always sit next to 

who would listen to my time-consuming nonsense

who would give me someone to talk to 

the appearance i was busy 

but in demand 

someone worth talking to 

listening to 

greasy clean-ups 

with sloppy lips 

and half-opened eyes 

somethings to talk about 

it was all awful 

but what's worse

is 

wondering 

why my heart aches

now that it's all gone 

 love is my little 

scratching my head

wanting to hold my hand 

in the rain 

she's dancing and she's grooving 

but i only know her beauty 

and it shouldn't be that 

way 

love is eating as many 

sugared molasses cookies 

as your body can hold 

love is watching your mother  

bake when she didn't have time before 

removing flecks of eggshells 

while you lay on the floor with f

and envelope the scuffles 

while you do 

the must be done 

imu

how many times is too many 

to remind you 

how much 

ily

when i only pretend 

that your mine  

it was scary 

to show my guts 

to lift up my shirt 

to read off a paper 

a prewritten text 

a version of my story 

that i'm starting to believe 

one that is cold 

sanitized 

unhysterical 

it makes sense 

even when my thoughts 

and my whispers do not

and it doesn't feel 

~spectacular~ 

it doesn't feel 

~risky~

enough 

to have been born from pain 

because 

i'm an adult now 

i guess 

and i'm sad i'm starting to do things 

that are generic 

that i'm becoming 

g 

because all the things i ever wanted 

and the things i fling my body 

after 

are 

all 

designed 

to 

ruin --

and not in the way that insights ~prose~ 

my dreams are shrinking 

and the worlds 

in my worlds 

in my worlds 

are disappearing 

but rather, the other way 

i'm seeing ~logistically~

that i don't have time 

to 

be 

emotional

and i don't miss it 

feeling 

it feels better without

driving ahead 

laser focus 

tight curves & edges 

colors

& sounds 

& stories 

are losing their meaning 

as i'm losing mine