screaming into the still 

when there's nowhere else to 

call your place 

your space

that's what your body is

right?

a soundless scape 

a murky drape 

a vessel to shape

belly breathing 

and softly beating 

can you find a home alone?

my nerve 

is copping out 

and you're going 

        too

            too 

                fast

i hold my breath

in my forehead 

just to listen to your stories

and to pretend to do the things 

you think i know

my eye rings can tell you

it all 

that was the pursuit, right? 

the opposite of loneliness?

growing up is  - 

i never thought the soft 

things 

would pierce the deepest 

and here we are -

cotton balls 

lacerate my heartstrings

and sedentary numbness 

takes my chest  

what's the word for feeling alone 

in a crowded room

what's the feeling of sadistic nostalgia 

for high school loneliness 

when you could 

cling to the hope of a 

new chapter 

a tomorrow

where your ppl would be

and you could wrinkle smile 

into the sun  

and not feel the rings around 

1/12/23

we all need some confidence 

he whispers 

golden locks 

and mushroom tops 

shimmer until we pit 

Woven hands 

and a quiet heart

unbind it all 

and crack the earth 

Grey beach walks 

are where we go to lie 

To scream into the lacunas 

that poke and prod 

our murky skies. 

Honeyed moments are always the goal

but too bad it wasn't what we were sold.

~2023~

Waking up in a new year 

is like taking the first lick of an ice cream cone

for some it's pure bliss

for us though it's the beginning to an end

It was hard waking up this morning knowing my thoughts would be curved and circled. That I'd be chasing my tail all day around those who pretend to love me. Those who just need bodies and a hand to hold. It isn't always this way. It can be all too consuming. Confusing. Concubines and condescension. 

Trapped in the shadows aren't we. 

Angsting to get out.

Running back when we do. 

Blues and maroons. 

Psychedelic voices and rooms. 

Existential ecstasy. 

Everyone evades 

Entwining 

 

AB fall ~2022~

they say the end is coming 

everyone's up to something 

i find myself running home to you 

sweet somethings 

you're in the shower singing 

i'm sitting next to you

 

sweet somethings 

how could you want anything else 

lemons ohs, crusty bread, 

and honeyed nothings 

we got it all 

to breathe and be alive 

laughing till our lungs hurt

sleeping next to each other 

accidentally touching and holding 

so that we forget 

about the sorrow and the sadness

whew 

we made it 

more than 80 hours of bliss 

and unfiltered nothings 

somethings 

knowing looks

and silent communications

i think you're the friend i've always wanted 

 

gorgeous, isn't it 

to see a sunset through your eyes 

to wonder what you're thinking 

to breathe the same goddamn breathe 

i watch here 

the trees sway 

and the birds swing 

and i feel like i should be crying 

but i'm too tired 

and you're too fucking beautiful 

i've made up everything about

myself to be someone for you

we have things to teach each other

things that are true and carry meaning 

you didn't notice did you 

that i was always the puppetmaster 

your ivy league education didn't teach you 

to look out for the ones who watch 

i'll keep giving you my weekends 

and every free moment 

i'll craft us a world where you can be what 

i want you to be 

in every world, i'm what you need 

a shapeshifter

a girl with no face or name 

the sun will set 

i'll look into your eyes 

and behold such a gorgeous fucking moment 

another one to AB

My thoughts haven't been my own for quite sometime. I think of you most moments. I plot and plan what I will text you, how I can find opportunities to steal time away with you. I don't want you though, not in that way. This is different. I just want the chance to want you and to watch you. I don't want to be apart of it. I wish it wasn't like this. I now understand when people say that my life was so much better before I met you. Because it was. I was finally on a trajectory where I would be my own person. Now, I'm back to the shadows. To feeling bad for my space and apologetic for living in the body I inhabit. 

Another attempt at clarity. This week I've struggled to breathe more than others. Air is not filling my lungs in the seamless way it once was. Now it fights its way in and prematurely rushes out.  

Truthfully, underneath it all, there is no logical reason as to why I feel this suffocated. Medication? Parental problems? Coping with the liminality of it all? Who is to say. So we'll go to bed and wake up tomorrow just to stare at the face of not knowing.