a bit of a drunk post

commemorating my happenings, things i haven't said. Unadmittances. 

1. i love my best friend who is a gay man. I think that love might be love love. But does all love have to be shared? where is the line between friendship and love. can't you lust after your friends? can't you imagine them naked and want to tear at their edges and centers just the same? Does all love have to be territorial? Can't I just imagine that we fuck and when I stare into his eyes I know he's mine regardless of whether or not we do. he's home. i checked his location. I call him mine. i think his heart aches for mine. and i think i'm completely fine with it like that. actually completely and utterly happy perhaps

2. there's a really sweet lesbian couple sitting cady corner to me right now. i feel a little turned on just thinking about them. but i've been outside all day. currently with a mango passion fruit something. i want to want to be them. i imagine loving a woman would be unadultered. forgiving. thoughtful. unsubtle in the best, yet subtle in the most

3. i think i love ann arbor. i think i love my life here. i think i've found parts of myself. and i've learned how to eat and pretend and find peace, yet lean on people in ways i always knew i needed. i've learned to feel aligned with needing and wanting people and never feeling bad about that. I've twiddled my thumbs and learned to cum. 

i knew i couldn't stop them 

once they came 

i knew you'd have my breath 

and my depth 

until we forget our names 

and i finally saw it 

what's clear 

that it's all so heartbreaking

that i am indeed

pathetic 

the twists and the turns 

the bends and the burns 

i make and sway 

just to keep you in my orbit 

i think about you most moments of the day 

and i wait for you to write 

i don't think you know 

how much my heart breaks 

when you wait to answer 

i don't think you know 

that my throat knots 

and i convince myself 

that you don't like me

i don't trust you 

not to leave me 

i'm waiting for you

to unravel it all 

it's been a minute 

since i've sat beneath this tree 

i'm sorry 

i've been between the pages 

counting the minutes  

picking my nails 

pacing and laughing 

just pretending 

-- to have a beating heart 

watching and waiting 

for you to walk towards me 

you scratch and you bite  

just to see me bleed 

you ruffle 

just to see me buckle 

when you know 

i've pined 

only in my mind 

you're not ever going to stick your neck out 

for me 

are you 

you aren't ever going to give  

what i don't ask 

an unsolicitied visit 

some food to let me know you want me alive 

you don't listen 

enough 

to pick up 

my hints 

i don't want to want to take that 

 

 he's no longer the person i get excited to tell

stories to 

it's you 

how many years have i waited to hear that 

you've written mine 

on my upper thigh

since july 

only in my mind 

but maybe not

i keep recalling things 

we never did 

but waited for 

 OB in the spring without judgment  

let's cry 

and wait 

eventually new life will come 

i'll watch colin

comfort and rub 

and hold 

i'll feel the colors 

and the goddess of timing 

my ribs get the feeling 

there was a plan 

always was 

i just need to show up

walk slowly 

and watch with tired eyes 

i don't care to read minds 

or rooms 

i'm finally here with glasses

and warm blankets 

Am I really your only friend? 

Then why am I so scared 

I'll be done by next Spring 

You'll wipe your hands clean 

While I bleed 

And light my sheets ablaze 

Walking through the dark Ann Arbor nights 

Wanting to touch his skin 

Flashes of chosen love 

I know I'll be down bad 

And want ignore you 

Only to text you minutes later 

 every hallway i walk 

i mean stalk 

only to feel like a hawk 

we lick our lips 

and cream our hips 

only to eat and take trips 

i love you and you know it 

but not in the way where 

i want the inside  

because it all lives in the same place 

doesn't it 

just that i never 

want to say 

goodbye 

pinching myself 

watching you walk up the stairs 

on a A2 sunny night 

only to part 

just to press restart 

we're both stretched out 

and you know 

it's special

to say it 

to whisper it 

for the other to hear 

it's been a while 

since i put pen to paper 

images of you 

are the only ones 

i'm drawn to recreate