2.19.2021

a poem to 1/17

i was thirsty most of today 
my lips chapped 
and my hands callused 

i no longer recognize myself 
after years of gazing at my reflection 
everyday i wake up 
and i cling to the 
outside of my beating heart 
i weep 
because i'll never fill my lungs

i didn't see the raccoon 
at the bend today 
the one that's been dead 
since August.

i've been underwater for so long that 
i've forgotten that lungs are meant to 
have air in them 
i'm thirsty
but if i inhale, i'll die 

i cannot hold my breath 
and be thirsty forever 
so i must choose 

maybe tomorrow i'll have a solution
maybe tomorrow i'll understand 
why it's all been too much 
and never enough 
why i am always hurting 
and why i can't shake you 

i want to believe that 
tomorrow's sun will burn brighter 
that there's still a chance 

but i only know lies 
including this one—
each day, i am new 

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