11.28.2023

holding onto it

i'm back
in the place 
that is both home and other 
that does it all 
quickening my heart 
and giving me the moments 
to finally rest my tired sad eyes 

there are mushrooms and little girls -
pots exploding with vines and greens
cherry tomatoes even though it's December 
dimpled grapes on the counter
so many cheeses 
candles lit. 

and when I facetime you from my sister's childhood bedroom 
you hate it
so i lie and tell you the decorating is all old 
because i can't have that 
and neither can she

i'm losing myself here
my smile muscles are stiff 
and i feel like i'm being watched 
i hate myself 
but i have you all more 




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