prison

I have been at war with my body for 14 years--perhaps longer. In an effort to reclaim my body and assert my territory, I have lost myself. My desire to reshape has been solely motivated by a deep hatred of my being that courses through my body. I am not enough. Yet, I am too much. I take up too much space. My stomach is too big. My cheeks are too round. I am too soft--a softness that I cannot be, but I have to. Maybe I am too weak. Maybe I wasn't meant to thrive. Maybe I will die trapped in this paradox. Why did I build this body? 

I assert myself with each bite, with every inaction, every time I choose not to work out. Yet, my thoughts and feelings are already written for me. The pain is laid out. My subconscious rears her head. She is trapped. 

My body is a mistake. Do I want to be positive about it? Do I want to try to convince myself that this challenge ultimately brings meaning to my life? Should I explore fate or destiny? Or do I want to wallow? Will wallowing help me? Or will it inevitably bring me cynicism and to the conclusion that nothing matters so why should I care? 

I don't feel connected to this form. Each bite weighs me, answers to gravity, brings me closer to the Earth. Maybe that's some bullshit, but maybe I should drink the Kool-Aid. Maybe I'm meant to be tethered, maybe a heavy, big body is the only connection I will have in this life. Am I the enemy? Is my body the contagion?

Rejecting capitalist consumption and bodily values doesn't bring me any peace. It doesn't make me feel seen. In fact, it makes me feel more excluded--like I have to forge my own path in order to feel any semblance of belonging. Completely reliant on the norms and opinions of the masses, I'm not strong enough. I'm not a risk-taker. My foot is on the break. 

Deciding how I feel and where to go hurts. 

I'm not smart enough to be this size. 

Do I write down what I eat each day? 

Do I set a weight loss schedule in my bullet journal? 

How often will I work out?

Should I find someone to be accountable to? Or is that one more person to let down? 

I will fail. 

I want freedom and structure. When will I tire of my own bullshit? 

Am I the victim or the perpetrator?

I am hungry now.